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Scarred for life Some wombtwin survivors feel a compulsion to cut themselves. Although cutting yourself causes bleeding and pain and leaves you scarred for life, the commonest reaction is shame. Self harming takes place in a cycle of shame, where the self-harm causes shame and the shame leads to further cutting, which is done in secret. The cycle is exactly the same as in binge eating disorder where the consumption of too much food causes shame which triggers off another binge. In the same way as the food addict is on a shame trip, so is the self-harmer. This is the classic "shame trip" of the addict. Most self-harmers are women. It seem that self injury is rapidly displacing eating disorders as the most serious mental and physical health problem in the USA. Self-harm is related by many to some forgotten trauma such abuse during childhood or a traumatic birth. Self-injurers commonly report they feel empty inside, lonely, not understood by others and fearful of intimate relationships. (1) They are usually women, and they seem to find it hard to articulate their feelings. They have an insatiable need for love and acceptance. (2) For many self-injurers, Self Injuring is connected with a traumatic childhood. Feelings of shame and embarrassment often follow the traumas they have experienced. Many people who have been abused feel that it is their fault, that they somehow encouraged, initiated, or/and deserved the abuse. The punishment or Self Injury act then implies that you are at fault (because generally you are punished when you have done something wrong), which then fosters feelings of shame or guilt. The secretive nature of Self Injury also increases the feelings of shame and isolation, which continues the cycle of self-injury. Wounds, bruises, and scars In many people who hurt themselves scars or visible cuts, bruises, wounds produce feelings of shame. Scars from self-injury "may be a lifelong reminder of the injurious episode and may produce shame from internal thoughts or feelings as well as from external sources. Scars and other visible wounds can also be embarrassing when other people see them. Bruises, bald spots, and other visible, yet temporary, marks from Self Injury can be just as embarrassing as scars. Scars or wound not coming from an act of SI don't induce the same amount of shame; they might be slightly embarrassing because they are not attractive, but some people wear them as 'badges of honour.' Isolation and alienation Self Injury is a behaviour that's rarely discussed in society and has not been exposed by the media; and for these reasons you might have felt alone. You may feel different or "crazy" or abnormal. Another source of shame is feeling unable to control your SI behaviour. You may feel that hurting yourself means you are weak. You may have tried to stop SI-ing but found yourself unable to, which may cause feelings of failure and regret. Shauna was a teenager when she started to cut herself. On the same day that her first boyfriend abandoned her for another girl, she used a sharp craft knife to cut her arms and legs. She felt spaced out and dissociated from what she was doing to herself, but somehow knowing she must not go too deep and need stitches. She made more than ten straight wounds across her thighs. They bled a little, and she cleaned them carefully with disinfectant, they stung terribly but she welcomed the pain. Shortly afterwards she awoke to what she had been doing and began to scream and cry, alone in her room. She tried to stop doing it, but every time a relationship broke down she cut herself. She felt as if it were a way to remember a lost love. It felt as if she were a member of a secret society of people who are branded for life when a loved one dies or leaves. They choose to deal with their heartache by some kind of self-injury. Sadly, Sham has no idea why she is compelled to scar herself in memory of a lost love. One day soon, she will recognise that she is not crazy. There is fact a rational and intelligent reason why she secretly scars herself in this way: this is a physical echo of an emotional wound, a coded message from long ago in the womb, when a womb twin brother abandoned her. When her boyfriend abandoned her for another girl, she was plunged into her personal black hole. The shame of survivor guilt and the pain of loss acted together to produce this seemingly bizarre behaviour. She was once abandoned by her womb twin, and she has scarred her body as a memorial to him. Refs 1. Can you see my pain? video
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